Frozen

As a young child I was really put off a lot of cartoons, especially Disney ones, by the overabundance of singing for no apparent reason that they padded them out with. I now realise that this has left me traumatised to this very day as I suffer intense flashbacks throughout a viewing of this year's Christmas offering from Disney which is entitled Frozen. It has an awful lot of singing in it, really bad head shredding singing for no reason, but my partner does like a bit of Christmas tat and it does have a cute reindeer in it, so here we are. Those of us expecting a remake of Frosty the Snowman were a tad disappointed.

The story concerns two sisters called Elsa (long hair, big chest, blonde) and Anna (long hair, big chest, brunette), who are placed under house arrest by their parents for their entire childhood when it is revealed (by trolls of course) that Elsa has hidden powers which will be set off by ‘fear’.

However when the parents die the two sisters, now more fearful that ever after being locked up for years, are expected to rule the kingdom... straight away you know that this is going to go t*ts up.

So the blonde one (Elsa) becomes Queen and at her coronation party her dippy sister the brunette (Anna) gets a huge crush on one of the guests, Prince Hans, and agrees to marry him approximately five minutes later. 

Queen Elsa isn’t terribly impressed, refuses to condone their impetuous relationship and it’s immediately handbags at dawn between the two girls. During which Elsa accidentally reveals her hidden powers, which freezes the kingdom over, shrouding it in eternal winter.

Another party guest, a meddling foreign dignitary known as the Duke of Weselton, orders Elsa’s own soldiers to arrest and kill their own queen. Perhaps the solders might like to consult with somebody more senior in their own kingdom first? No? Oh ok.

Amidst such madness Elsa legs it, leaving Anna in power until she legs it too in pursuit of her sister. Before she goes she appoints the dashing guy she'd just met, Prince whatshisname, to rule in her place. Now there's a diplomatic incident in waiting you'd think but no one disputes it, not even the meddling Duke.

Out in the frozen wilds, Anna is aided by a bloke named Kristoff, his reindeer Sven and a snowman named Olaf. Consequently, thanks to the latter two, things pick up a touch particularly when the snowman’s carrot is involved.

When they track down Elsa she has fully embraced her new bad girl image and also has a much bigger snowman than her little sister. The girls talk but things don't go well and Anna ends up with ice in her heart, although this isn’t uncommon with girls of her age. This ice can only be thawed by an act of true love, although that never worked in my day.

All the same Anna races back to Prince Hans to get one. The dutiful Kristoff takes her all the way home but then gets the door slammed in his face, not even being offered a cup of tea for his trouble.

Hans though only has eyes for the throne and locks Anna in a room to freeze to death. He then tells everyone she’s dead but that they got married first, so he’s now king. QED. You got proof of that mate? e.g. witnesses, marriage certificate etc etc. Thought not, but still the new king is welcomed with open arms.

Then it gets complicated... as the dippy brunette one belatedly realises that true love might come Kristoff shaped, Elsa reappears and Prince Hans tries to murder her. When the dippy one intervenes, Elsa is saved, her sister's assistance being an act of true love.

At this point the curse of eternal winter is somehow lifted. I’m not sure how. Just ‘love’ I suppose, the implication being that Elsa never loved either her sister or her kingdom before?

Clearly they had no clue where they were going with this one when they started making it and just winged it. So ten out of ten for nerve at least. I'd love to be fly on the wall as a host of inquisitive seven year olds ask their parents 'why did so and so do that Mummy?'

I guess the advice is don’t think about the plot, it did give me a headache, just enjoy the snowman.

Catching Fire

After their contentious dead heat in the 74^th Hunger Games, Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) embark on an equally contentious victory tour. This is welcomed like a dose of the plague by the masses in the oppressed districts. That’s not to say The Capitol, their oppressive government, won’t be sending the plague round next week on a tour of its own because that’s the sort of thing they do.

Katniss and Peeta are still pretending to be in love, for the cameras and in the interest of good PR. Things are actually a bit frosty between them and sometimes they even have to pretend that they like each other at all. Peeta’s well into her of course but she’s supposed to be a teenage girl, so he should know he’s not going to get a straight answer.

If Peeta thinks Katniss has become a bit of a problem for him, then that’s nothing compared to the problem she’s causing the government. Her victory at the last Games has turned her into a beacon of hope for the districts and many are showing signs of revolt.

Of course when anyone shows any sort of rebellious streak, no matter how small, they are usually beaten to death by the men in white armour but the film quickly cuts away from these barbaric attacks. This is a family rated 12A you know. 

Amongst the beatings and floggings, the authorities save a big one for the other corner of our little love triangle of indifference, namely Gale (Liam Hemsworth).

I wonder if Katniss would have been more up for a tumble with him if he hadn't been called Gale? Would Peeta have had more luck himself if he’s simply call himself Pete? So many questions. Although what we really want to see is the two of them slugging it out to the death over the girl. What we get instead is the next instalment of the Hunger Games.

As you will know by now the Hunger Games are basically It’s a Knockout done North Korean style. The next edition, the 75^th, promises to be a big one because it’s also something called a Quarter-quell where they can be more evil than usual. This time they choose to force past victors back into the arena, going back on their promise to the winners that they would be exempt for life.

As the only ever female victor from District 12 Katniss gets a bye through the selection process, the lucky girl. Peeta has to fight it out via a drawing of lots with good old Haymitch (Woody Harrelson). Haymitch wins but Peeta pushes him aside, volunteering in his place and so Haymitch again acts as their mentor. Effie is there again too attempting to build team spirit.

As we meet the other contenders, all past victors, JL gets out sex appealed by a naked, from the back, Johanna Mason (Jena Malone). That’s what an Oscar win does for you, makes you a bit too conservative.

The games start and the Capitol cross their fingers, hoping for anything but a Katniss victory, they’d even take Petta back as long as someone gets rid of that annoying girl.

The players are sent to stand on pedestals in the middle of a lake which itself is surrounded by jungle. What awaits them are tribute eating baboons, tidal waves, poison fog, lightning, and firstly, most terrifying of all... swimming. I’m being serious here, that would have been my worst nightmare, having to dive in and all.

Quickly it becomes apparent that there’s a flaw in the Capitals plan as regards getting rid of our bow and arrow toting Filly because a large chunk of the tributes have been told to work as domestiques, to cull a cycling term, on her behalf. Only no one tells her and I shouldn’t really have told you because it’ll probably spoil the film for you.

So there’s less slaughtering each other than usual and what deaths there are usually happen off screen, come on as I said it’s a 12A, but you do get them having nice friendly coffee mornings whilst working out how to dodge the next tidal wave etc.

Peeta temporarily dies after not looking where he was going and walking into an invisible force field but he is revived by rival tribute Finnick. Which pisses Katniss off no end, saving Peeta was her job.

The elderly Mags gallantly sacrifices herself in the toxic fog but we haven’t been told terribly much about her or any of this new batch of tributes, so we aren't troubled too much. We do care slightly more about what happens to Johanna obviously because we have at least seen her bare bottom.

It’s all good 12A slaughtering fun and I enjoyed it but it’s also all a bit of a recycling job, as the plot isn’t very far removed from the first one. So if you liked that, you'll like this. Although unlike the first one it doesn’t really have an ending, it just stops. I wonder if there’s another sequel coming...

Jeune et Jolie

Jeune et Jolie (Young and Beautiful) is divided into four parts, one for every season. In the first part, summer, we are introduced to Isabelle (Marine Vacth), a seemingly insular teenage girl. 

On the eve of her seventeenth birthday and whilst on a family holiday, she goes out determined to sate her curiosity about sex and does so, on the beach, with a German lad.

She gets the job done in the most matter-of-factly way you can imagine and then moves on. She is clearly underwhelmed by the whole experience but this doesn’t seem to dispel her curiosity.

When the season changes into autumn, we learn that after being offered some extra money pocket by an older man, she not only took him up on his offer but has now set herself up with her own website et al and is now moonlighting as a fully fledged internet era call girl called Lea. I'd love to know how she took those fancy website photos of herself without help.

Now whilst still living under her parents' roof and in between attending lectures at college, she is meeting clients in hotel rooms and relieving them of €300, €400, €500 at a time, as often as she can.

All the men seem to know she's lying about her age, purporting to be 20 years old, and she goes about her new hobby with the same indifference that she did when handing her virginity to the German lad but her phone keeps pinging with a flood of messages, so it’s clearly very marketable. Which is probably why the price keeps going up.

Then in winter everything goes wrong. Amongst her plethora of ‘Johns’, there is one man who actually seems to care a bit about her as a person. 

Unfortunately she proves too much for his heart which expires when he uncharacteristically asks her to get on top of him. Perhaps that was the way he wanted to go. 

The security cameras at the hotel have her recorded, so soon Isabelle's double life comes to the attention of the police, and ultimately her parents. Her mother, of course, isn’t terribly impressed and struggles to understand her daughter's choice of part time job. So she sends her for therapy. 

In the spring, Isabelle is trying to pick up her life as a student and to have a relationship but is finding it difficult to erase the past.

The film doesn't judge Isabelle nor attempt to explain her actions. She didn’t need the money but perhaps she wanted simply to be desired or perhaps she was just bored and wanted to do something a bit risqué. A better choice surely than drugs, alcohol or going down her mother's route of having an affair.

Rest assured, Isabelle remains a conundrum aka a teenager right to the end.